"You are nothing but a mere nameless pawn! Quit being so self-important and go to school already! You can always settle your things after school!"

-My Great Mom

Let me flesh things out so that I can skip school today in peace and prepare for something bigger.

To someone:
First things first, I must admit my selfish reasons as to why I like you. You appear to me as someone really knows how to be optimistic. Being optimistic is indeed a virtue. Of course, as with anything that is considered a virtue, too much of it can harm. You know this well. I don't. I desperately wanted to be like you. You know how to become realistic and practical at all the right times, don't you?

I'm not really close to you, in spite of all these. You're forever distant, unreachable, cool and all-knowing to me. Sort of like an idol. Also, you have a voice people die for.

Looking back:
It is always a habit of mine to put myself down and make myself look significant in front of people I admire. Today I'll make an exception. I've been through a lot in life too. Sure, I didn't suffer from a permanant injury, my parents are still alive and nobody steals my beloved pencil case. I don't remember much of what I have been through, except that I used to be a fairly optimistic and on-the-surface person. Actually, I was more laid-back than I was optimistic. It was the "heck-care" attitude.

Confusing myself:
Then I realized that I have been living in my own world all the while, escaping from reality, fearing what people will say about me. My actions were driven by guilt and fear of not being accepted. I needed someone to guide me but I wanted to stand up by myself. I rejected friendship, questioned true love and demanded the impossible from others. At the same time, I wanted friendship, love and go all out for others. I started disagreeing with myself. I secluded myself.

Seclusion:
Personality disorder. I rotate around in circles, staying inside the deep well, looking for something to end up finding nothing. Naturally, it will be much simpler to say "Nobody benefits from being my friend". Give me a break, someone has to find something good in me before I can break out of that circle.

Resolution:
For a while, I stopped looking at myself. It was quite fun! Finding joy in appreciating many things that come into view. Anime, mostly. I love them all, all the drama, all the characters. Immersing myself in niche sub-cultures. Trying to be a geek and/or egghead. For a while, I forgot that well I was in. I sacrificed all my social skills just to cure myself.

Self-fulfilling prophecy:
I made myself into what I am now, someone nobody benefits from being a friend of. Someone hard to be with. It was like this all the while until I met a person, whom I irritate too often by "flattering" her. (I seriously do not enjoy flattering people I really admire.) That person fixed me like a good programmer fixes her code. She's the best person I've met in my life besides my dear mum and dad. Then I found you behind a glass wall. You broke that wall last night, giving me a choice. I'll assemble the glass pieces, form a foundation and build on it like you taught me.

I officially love these people: (Ordered by magnitude)
- My Mom
- Yang
- Wee Siong
- Ze Kai
- My Dad
- Ferren
- Ting Zien
- My Brother
- Yihong
- Jemie
- anta (you)
- Kenneth
- Tian Yu
- Chris
- Cai Fu
- Swee Zhi
- Frankie
- Kenny
- Jian Qi
- Andy
- Shengxuan
- Ruixiang
- Jian Zhou
- Tian Ci
- Wei Guang
- many others I forget to mention (I'm bad with lists like these)

To the great stereotype:
The stereotype is not a stereotype, but a truth. Everyone is ordinary. All are the same. No unique points. Unique stuff only exist in drama, because in drama life is simpler by one dimension.

All the above are rubbish:
Now I reformat myself again and install the following rule-set:
- Try to be at least friendly with others on the surface.
(Relationships can be slowly improved)
- Focus on studies and stop being so self-important.
- Don't give a damn about what others think about me.
- Start taking success seriously.
- Start understanding the importance of money and increase the market value of myself
- Once again, be a useful pawn instead of a useless individualist
- Be assertive and decisive, no matter how many people I can potentially hurt
- Arrange a hypnosis session.
- Generally, be optimistic.

Amuro, [we] see time.